Life

If I've learned anything in the past couple of years it's that life is hard. Life seriously sucks sometimes. I've also learned that life is precious.  It can be beautiful, it can be excruciating, it can be stressful, it can be exhilarating. Life is short and it's about, well, living.  I look back over recent years and can hardly fathom how much has changed.

The biggest change for me was the loss of my father.  As we approach the two year anniversary of his death (January 25th) I am still finding out that life has a way of throwing curveballs at you at every turn. I never could have imagined that life would have turned out like this.  In the past two years since the accident I managed to finish school a semester early, write a Summa thesis, graduate with the highest honors my University awards, buy my first home, get married, get my first post-college job, and so much more.  All of these things are wonderful accomplishments that I am very proud of but I never in a million years imagined that my dad wouldn't be there to see them.  He couldn't walk me down the aisle (although I was honored to have my mom fill this role).  He couldn't give me advice on the joys and horrors of homeownership.  He couldn't tell me he was proud when all my hard work paid off at school.  So many life changes that should bring so much joy but are always shadowed by the fact that he isn't here to see them.  I miss him every single day and still have a hard time imagining my life without him.  He won't know his grandchildren or be here to see what his children become. However, even though he cannot be here in person, everything I do is touched and affected by my dad.  I fill with pride whenever I recognize a part of him in me.  I miss him watching football in the living room on Sundays.  I miss him getting excited as he talked about his trips.  I miss him bragging about us kids to his friends.  I miss his hugs, and pats on the back, and "I love you, Meggy"'s.  But everything I accomplish is for him.  Everything I want to achieve is for him.  I want to make my dad proud, whether he is here to physically see it or not.  I would have loved for him to tell me I looked beautiful in my wedding dress, and I would have loved to tell him about my travels.  I would have loved to tell him my plans and for him to see what I eventually become.  But I am ready to take on life because of him and his love and dedication to our family provides me with so much inspiration as I move forward.

And now, after so many changes, I am preparing for even more.  I want to attend the Josef Korbel School for a graduate degree in International Development and Humanitarian Assistance.  This means applications, letters of recommendation, taking the GRE and adjusting to a whole new university. We are planning the move to Denver, Colorado and looking at new apartments, jobs and moving services (Moving is expensive! Yikes!).  This also means selling our first home and being a renter again.  In our relationship we call Solomon the settler and I'm the wanderer.  Renting, moving, change, change and more change is all exciting to me.  It keeps more looking forward.  I love to plan, to organize, to take steps forward.  It helps me to keep on living and to take control of my life after so much has been uprooted. It helps me to feel alive and fulfilled. Sol likes to settle, to nest and to make a home.  Hopefully we will find a happy middle somewhere.

Moving also means living much farther away from family, something that breaks my heart even if they may not think so all the time. It means not being able to go home on the weekends and feelings of guilt that I'm abandoning my ties here in Minnesota. It means I will miss them horribly. I am hoping that eventually everyone I love will be able to understand and accept the decisions I make in my life because nothing is more important to me than the people I love. We have struggled together through physical and emotional recovery from the accident and have celebrated accomplishments together.  As I muddle through the logistics of moving and starting a new chapter in our lives, I am forever grateful for my family and friends. We have too little time with our loved ones as it is, and I'm hoping, if nothing else, that the distance will make me appreciate our relationships that much more.

Sometimes travel means visiting a foreign country.  Other times it means moving to a new state.  Other times it means looking back and realizing just how far you've come.  Our journeys are ever unwinding as we get lost and find our way again.

How about a few words of wisdom from my favorite quotable man to help us through?

“When we meet real tragedy in life, we can react in two ways--either by losing hope and falling into self-destructive habits, or by using the challenge to find our inner strength.” 
― Dalai Lama XIV


“There is a saying in Tibetan, 'Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.' 
No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that's our real disaster.” 
― Dalai Lama XIV

“If you have fear of some pain or suffering, you should examine whether there is anything you can do about it. If you can, there is no need to worry about it; if you cannot do anything, then there is also no need to worry.” 
― Dalai Lama XIV